On December 31, I finished a year of daily haiku. It started on a whim last January 1, and became a part of my daily rhythm. For a while, at least. There were some days when it felt like a major chore, and definitely a handful of times when I was playing catch up.
Regardless of when I’d get around to writing a day’s haiku, I look back on them and feel rewarded with pretty images, goofy memories, succinct journal entries, and the occasional, delightful nonsense. Whenever I sat down to write one, I’d scan the day for something remarkable, which inevitably led to reflection. Since I remember movies better when I watch them twice, maybe I’ll remember 2020 better for having reviewed each day at the end.
Sometimes crafting the haiku felt like writing a gratitude journal. Other times it was an opportunity to complain. In any case, it connected me to my little life in 2020 in a way I otherwise would have missed. I highly recommend giving the daily haiku game a try, even just for a week.
Jealousy jealousy jealousy jealousy
There are many shades, many flavors, many contexts.
Self-doubt, comparison, and jealousy have all been visitors in my heart and mind, so I’ve maintained interest in the subject — an obsessive one, really. There’s a lot to learn and say, but for today, and for this year, I’m focusing on jealousy in a creative setting. I’ve also gathered some input from other creatives to share on the topic, so a quick thank you to Anissa, Lindsay, Logan, Rae, and Sarah for opening up about the subject. Keep your peepers peeled for their comments.
Jealousy itself is not a bad thing. We usually feel it when we see someone else with something that we want, but feel we don’t have. Maybe it’s confidence, or a record deal, or a dog. At this stage, maybe jealousy is just a clue for what we really desire, or what we feel we’re missing. This could be an opportunity to take an uncomfortable feeling and turn it into momentum.
“I […] think that sometimes jealousy and a competitive spirit can aid us in the creative process if we move it from standing in front of us (inhibiting our relationships with each other, blocking creative output) and put it behind us to let it push us forward.” - Logan
“[What helps me is] the self reflection that says ‘this person did all these things to get to this place and has been working at it for years,’ and ‘you have things you are passionate about. Focus’” - Sarah
“[I thought of] one specific conversation with a friend that said whenever they are feeling jealous of someone, they take that to mean that they need to pause and reflect on current goals…” - Lindsay
“I tell myself constantly that it’s okay to see something and want to do it. My soul is reacting to something and that should never be ignored. I want to encourage myself and others to try anything they want, no matter who is already doing it, and make it their own.” - Rae
Letting jealousy be a gentle reminder rather than becoming the green-eyed monster is easier said than done. I think a lot of times, instead asking how we can bring something into our life, we respond by feeling like we’re not good enough for it, or assume that since someone else has something, we can’t.
Whether I can turn jealousy into inspiration before it spirals into feelings of discouragement often has to do with a scarcity mindset. I tend to have this sense that there’s only so much room for ideas to manifest. If someone else with brown hair and bangs puts out an album before me, I might think I’ve missed the boat. Realistically I know there’s no limit to the number of fringed brunettes that can release albums in any given time, but I still have a fear of polluting the world with unwanted ideas.
That’s wrong, though. Why should I, or anyone, talk myself into shying away from expressing something in my own manner?
Anissa is Digital Communications Coordinator at Girls Rock Cincinnati, and this scarcity mindset is definitely on the radar while she and the rest of the team work to create a safe, encouraging space for campers.
“We talk about ‘abundance’ mindset over ‘scarcity’ mindset […] I think that women are often pitted against each other or used as tokens, and I can’t help but compare my voice/appearance/stage presence/etc to other ‘female fronted bands.’ But in a setting where the gendered aspect is removed, and expression, creativity, and bravery are celebrated, then the competition is gone!” - Anissa
I have an inkling that everyone who has felt jealous at one point has probably also been the target of jealousy. One time, someone who I’d been a little jealous of approached me to tell me they’d been jealous of something I had done. I really appreciated that vulnerability, since it helped me get out of my head and recognize that we both had our own good things going on.
Talking about these things may be key to breaking down the structures that keeps jealousy and competition thriving, instead of inspiration and encouragement.
“To me, the most fascinating thing about the grey area between inspiration and jealousy is that it’s feared and hushed and avoided and conceptualized. I’m a total idealist and to me, it seems that having conversations about any hardship at all will automatically make it a million times easier to overcome.” - Rae
“Strangers aren't going reach out to you, person they don't know. In our music scene it's been particularly helpful [to recognize] ’cause I think everyone has imposter syndrome and is scared of each other.” - Sarah
When jealousy is prominent, we should take a look around and try to spot what’s reinforcing it. For me, this structure of rankings and superlatives has got to go. What good does it do us to pit ourselves against others in a competition for better or best? I want to develop a way of witnessing other people’s wins without using it to make conclusions about my worth.
I can’t talk about jealousy stuff without also bringing up good old Instagram. Instagram is my preferred social media, and it can be a really fun thing to interact with. I get lots of ideas from it, plus I enjoy keeping up to date with the general whereabouts and activities of people from other eras of my life. But, as most of us know, it can also be a toxic platform of self-comparison and other icky feelings.
People have every right to post something when they’re feeling it, or when they’ve hit a milestone. But, if you’re anything like me, you might have a habit of scrolling through a flurry of content absentmindedly in sensitive states, be it boredom, defeat, or exhaustion. When I’m already feeling a little low, turning to the place where people go to brag about feeling high can be frustrating. If one must have a visual stimulation, maybe Pinterest is a better option for distractions in these hours of discontent.
As a musician, social media has been known to create a sense of urgency that I don’t like. My Strobobean account follows lots of other bands posting their highlights, like releases or tours or new t-shirts. For a while, it felt like every time I’d log on I’d see five bands who put out a new song, and end up feeling like I wasn’t doing enough. It sucked the fun out of having a band, because it made me want to do things for the purpose of content, and quickly. It made me feel competitive, even toward my closest friends.
“Having any sort of relationship rooted in hidden jealousy will 100% shut me down.Nothing will ever bring me joy if I compare myself to everyone who might be doing it better. […] I can’t fully support anyone, myself included, if I am subconsciously plotting to out-succeed them or scared that they will out-succeed me.” Rae
On my lonely, internet-free drive back from California last year, I had no awareness of what other people were putting out into the world, which was refreshing. Creativity from other people gives me life and energy every day, but it was good to have all of my focus on the silence of the void and my own quiet thoughts. Things become clearest when I am alone, kindly, long enough to feel the urges and excitement from within me, unshaped by anything outside of myself.
My mission for this year is to maintain that connection to myself, while still appreciating and supporting the things others are doing. Creating should be propelled by pure energy and curiosity, and not stained by fear or pressure or jealousy.
This was a long one — thanks for sticking around and taking it all in! I’ll be seeing y’all next week.
xo
Katya
Thank you for writing all these things and sharing them with us. This is for sure one of the hardest things to shake and even bring up and admit.
Thank you so much for this! Been thinking a lot lately about how to challenge my initial feelings of jealousy when watching other musicians killin it. Instead of comparing myself and feeling like I haven’t done enough, why not just uplift and support and relish in the coolness of creativity.