Quiz: Which chain restaurant are you?

You know you want to know

Hello! You’re receiving this email because you are either a paid or free subscriber to Disco Diaries. Those who support this project financially for $5 a month receive a monthly personality quiz such as this one, as well as other perks. I’m sending this first quiz out to everyone, so you can get a taste of what to expect with a paid subscription.

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Which chain restaurant are you?

Take this quiz to find out!

1. Your holiday weekend plans are:

A) I’ll stick with my long-time tradition and go see fireworks.

B) Gonna go have some drinks at my neighborhood bar and see who shows up.

C) I had plans to host a really nice dinner party, but everyone was already busy.

D) At first I was thinking about going to this parade thing, but then I heard about a potluck party with an optional karaoke after party and now I can’t decide.

E) Show up to a hang just because I was invited, even though I don’t really want to go.

2. If you could only pick one of these items to keep forever which would it be?

A) A picture album with photos of my extended family.

B) My favorite project from art school.

C) Some of my fashion collection.

D) A videotape of my many performances as a child.

E) An uplifting letter someone wrote me once.

3. Which U.S. city would you rather be in?

A) Cincinnati

B) Chicago

C) Miami

D) New Orleans      

E) St. Louis

4. What do you order to drink?

A) Iced tea

B) Tecate

C) Rosé

D) Cheap cocktail

E) Coffee

5. What would be your ideal birthday party?

A) Time with my loved ones and lots of pie.

B) A low key night where friends keep stopping through.

C) Wearing a good outfit to a fancy sit-down dinner before hitting up a club for a few dances and more drinks.

D) An entire weekend away full of activities and food.

E) Just something sweet and quirky where everyone will want to go. Maybe laser tag or the ice rink or something.

6. What is your best friend like?

A) Loyal, loving, supportive.

B) I dunno I have lots of friends!

C) Hot and popular.

D) They’re like me.

E) They’re sweet, but needy.

7. Your friend calls you and tells you they’re having the worst day. You:

A) Offer to cancel your plans and come over with their favorite dessert.

B) Express your sympathy then half-jokingly suggest that Mercury might be in retrograde.

C) Insist they take the rest of the day off and treat themselves to something expensive.

D) Lay out a five-step plan for how they’re going to feel better.

E) Suggest that they try something new to break the bad mood.

8. Which sign would your neighbor be most likely to gift you?

A) “Home is where the coffee brews.”

B) “Good vibes only”

C) “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere”

D) “The mountains are calling and I must go.”

E) “Stay awhile,” because they like to come over and eat all your snacks.

9. Pick a vice:

A) Junk food

B) Booze

C) Overspending

D) Hard partying

E) White lies

10. What’s your bed-time routine?

A) Take some melatonin, set an alarm, and hope for the best.

B) I don’t really have one.

C) Multi-step skin care routine and some chamomile tea.

D) Smoke a little weed to calm the mind, then pass out to an HBO show.

E) Wash my face with the same product I’ve been using since high school.

Tally up your answers and make a note of which letter you had the most of!

And now, a brief intermission before we get to the results.

Results:

If you answered mostly As

Bob Evans

People like you, whether they want to admit it or not. You can be absentminded and ditzy, and that puts some people on edge. But, you care a lot for the people around you, and it doesn’t go unnoticed. As a people person, you love to provide comfort and generosity. You’ll give a lot for a little in return — but this is not always a good thing. Sometimes, you’d be happier realizing your value and protecting your energy.

Your roots are a strong part of your identity. They keep you humble and earnest. Still, you’re not afraid of growth and trying something new (hello, Southwest Avocado Meals). Even when you’re exploring new things, and perhaps stumbling along the way, your friends and family still feel cared for by your buttery gestures. You know how to fill a belly, and a heart.

If you answered mostly Bs

Chipotle

Flexibility is the name of the game. Low-key hang or a full-on party, you just want to be there. You don’t waste time with making a show. You’d rather be direct. If someone can communicate clearly, you’ll give them whatever they want.

“Sup w you? Nm just chillin” is your vibe. You’re all about checking in with your homies and making sure everyone’s feeling good. But your desire to remain casually acquainted with everyone might be keeping you from forming deeper connections.

My advice to you? Slow down a little. Stop worrying so much about what everyone else wants and focus on what you need — like deeper friendships and one-on-one connections. Charging extra for guac is one way to set boundaries, but what else can you do to take care of you?

If you answered mostly Cs

Olive Garden

You’re trying to live a six-course life on a one-course schedule. That ambition is admirable, but it’s wearing you down. Life can’t always be a European vacation. You might be in denial about the state of things.

It’s time to get honest. Are you really being true to yourself and others? Or are you posing as something you’re not — like a faux Italian who’s actually from Orlando?

Being a big fish in a little pond has been hard from you. Small communities never cease to be impressed. But in a bigger city, you might struggle getting people to take you seriously. Staying true to yourself is the only way to go.

If you answered mostly Ds

Applebee’s

Now serving: grit, attitude, and realness. As jarring as you can be, you display a confidence that keeps people coming back.

You’re always ready to work a crowd. Lots of people are charmed by your peacocking, but the occasional audience member just sees you as loud and desperate. You love to socialize, but that doesn’t mean you should give away booze for company.

When you’re not actively performing, you’re dreaming up the next project. Your brain is all over the place, your imagination a mess of ideas and concepts. It’s fun to look at, but tiring after a while. Maybe it’s time to put away some of the framed jerseys that aren’t serving you right now. That way you can prioritize your mental energy and focus.

If you answered mostly Es

Panera

Sorry, but you can’t please everyone. Someone had to tell you! And now that you know, you can stop stretching the truth and pretending that bean soup with half the daily sodium intake is healthy. Just relax, be yourself, and stop trying so hard.

What you call a bagel, other people call round bread. People have their differences. If they make a huge show of it, remember it’s because their lives are empty and boring. They’ll never be happy, no matter how many menu sections you add. It’s time to forget about the assholes and just do what you do best. Bullies are not your problem.

Instead, just think of all the friends you do have. You’re good at making a lasting, positive impression. Part of it is your inherent optimism, and the way you make people feel supported. You love encouraging a friend’s life choices. But be sure you’re only supporting those you actually believe in. Otherwise you might lead someone thousands of calories astray.